A Call: A Confession

I've been trying to listen to God lately. I want to know what God wants me to do. In a previous post I mentioned that I haven't felt called by God to do anything. I felt lost, and still do.


I remebered something driving home today. There once was a time I was called. Five or six years ago God told me to tell a kid that He loved him. I was unsure. I didn't know what a call from God felt like. I asked my mother about the situation. She basically told me that I need to do what God told me to do. The next day I prayed for the opportunity to speak with this kid. The opportunity came later that after noon. I was walking out of the middle school and I see the kid. I say hi, and then I look him in the eyes and tell him "God loves you." Except I didn't tell him. I got scared. I joked. I spoke the words with a funny. Truth in jest. He looked back at me grabbed my by the throat and shook me. It wasn't mean it was playful. He looked at me in the eyes and said, "God doesn't love me." It was sarcastic. nevertheless truth in jest. Unfortunately the jest was truth. While he spoke his mouth was unsure, his eyes were sad and angry at the same time. For whatever reason he was sad, lonely and needed to be loved. and I failed. I joked, I got scared. What would have happened had I done what God told me to do? Great things most likely.
The whole "planting the seed" hypothesis would merely be a sad attempt on my part to justify my actions. I was in the wrong, and the minute I spoke I knew it.

To God, this kid, Christians, and the world in general; I am sorry for this failure.