The Bus

Intercity transit let me down today. I got on the 12:40 bus to go to the transit center where I would normally hook up with the Mason County Transit at 1:00. Well the Olympia bus was 5 minutes late. This is bad because the next bus to Shelton leaves at 3:40. Now what? I start to get mad. then I stop. so what if I get home three hours later. the world won't end, my life isn't hanging in the balance. people are starving, dieing, and I'm going to throw a pity party because I'm three hours late? (at frustrating times like these there's a little dialogue in my head. two competing parties are arguing for control over my mind.) Why? i ask myself. i don't know so I ask God even though I don't expect an answer. Then my mind says the why doesn't even matter. God wants me to be thankful in all things. but whats to be thankful about?the fact that it's cold, beginning to rain, and that I'm three hours late getting home. that's exactly what to be thankful for. I come to a conclusion: I'll be thankful but I won't be happy about it.

2 hours and 40 minutes later I board the Shelton bus. I decide to sit in the very back because it's usually warmer, today it wasn't. There was one other guy sitting in the back row. he was reading his book. I just wanted to be left alone. Five minutes down the road i see he is actually reading a new testament. "wow, that's really cool," I thought. Then I attempted to sleep. I woke up and there he was. just reading the Bible. I couldn't help but be drawn to this fact. This guy read the Bible for 30 minutes straight. A few minutes before his stop he stopped reading and drew a smiley face on the window with the word smile above it. Yet again, I was drawn to this. I kept thinking about it. I looked at the smiley face. It felt like the face was ordering me to smile. it wanted me to smile. skitzo. anyway I looked at the guy who had been reading the Bible, and the smiley face. there was just some connection between this all. I didn't get it. I still don't. What I do know is that this guy had been almost like the source of solace for me while on the bus. and this person, whoever he was read the Bible. I haven't been reading mine. so excuse me I'm going to listen to God for a change.

a call:

lately i've been wondering what to do with my life. and then i had a brilliant thought, i should do what God wants me to do! now here's the big question... what does God want me to do? this question is soon followed by... how do I know what God wants me to do? and then followed by does who i am affect Gods decision? which is followed by does God even care?

in the bible God called the murderer Moses very clearly (Exodus 3:4). Jesus called Peter, Andrew, James, John (Matthew 4:18-22) and Matthew (Matthew 9:9), Philip (John 1:43) and Saul (Acts 9:3-6) to name a few. However, the Bible doesn't let us know specifically about the callings of other great men such as Stephen. Yet not everybody is a great leader. There has to be followers to... right? Acts 2:41 says, "Those who accepted his message weere baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day." Who is # 1,549 in the list of 3,000. why wasn't he called to do greater?

Every one (or at least me) wants, longs to be part of something greater. Did # 1,549 accomplish this. what exactly did he do after he accepted the message? Did he/she, do wonders in the name of the Lord? Did he/she bring glory to God? Did he/she live an average middleclass life, with not much say? Am I called to be just like # 1549? Am I called to be an average joe, living a "normal" life? Am I not an average joe just because I love God? Why haven't I been clearly called? or maybe more appropiatly... should i have been clearly called? am i just jealous? is my hardened heart incapable of hearing? if God even called clearly, would I follow?

my good youth leader Justin claimed (or at least this is how i took it) that if we live for God wherever we are we are following His call.

sometimes i pray that God won't call me. I worry that my own pride might get in the way. i worry that i might screw it up. I also worry that i'm not doing what God wants me to do. actually, i know i'm not doing what God wants me to do. my life is filled with sin, but peter, and paul, and stephen, and # 1,549 were all sinners to.

while i guess what each career would be like, what my day to day activities would be, i wonder if it is the right choice. and now i'm wondering if i will ever know.

i guess when it comes down to it i should probably just read the bible more, and spend more time actually listening

Rebellion

I've been in a rebellious rut. Whenever I get told to do something i feel this little twinge in my chest. NO! You can't make me! This has even more so been happening when i am told not to do something. I just want to anyway. This attitude taxes my emotions, a lot. it's weird.

for example i get told not to drive fast. In my mind:
you know what?! i'm going to speed and there's not a thing in the world that can stop me.
then superior logic kicks in: well i suppose i shouldn't speed, i can't afford the ticket.

but that logic doesn't kill the evil thoughts. it just imprisons them. a bunch of evil thoughts and temptations are locked in small corner of my mind. they want out. the only thing holding them in there is God, and (in comparison) a small amount of will power. It's just that this constant battling and containing of thoughts in my mind is slowly wearing me down. hopefully this will be over soon.